So I chopped up some old rags and fitted them to the handles and various knobs on the doors, then used shiny black duct tape to hold it all in place. Viola! The last time she went nutso, she chewed harmless tape and padding, and I just added another layer of tape.
There are more attractive decor ideas, but shiny black duct tape has a kind of urban-decay-swank-ness to it. Saves replacing and losing more hardware; more to the point, it prevents tooth damage or expensive Dr. Jack Kevorkian-esque solutions!
There it is: The solution to worrying about our dog losing it. Well, it's something!