June 13th, 2007

Hunted Troll

Crank

Just finished watching the movie, Crank, which Amazon calls "high-end pop-trash, filled with many preposterous / ingenious stunts and over-the-top performances." Jason Statham plays a killer who has one hour to live and decides to spend that time taking revenge on his murderers and telling his girlfriend that he loves her (awww).

I watched it while doing the exer-cycle thing to the tune of 730 calories, which seemed not very much - considering how quickly the movie made me pedal - until I realized that the movie is only 86 minutes long. Compare that to the 700-calorie movies I watched before that were more like 120 minutes long. So, yeah, if you need a jolt of adrenaline, check it out. Don't expect to see an Academy-Award sort of film here; in fact, it might be best watched a bit tipsy. Or exer-cycling. But it's great heart-pumping fun!

Best,
Chris
beware-monkeyboy

that's weird

Because I stayed up late last night, exercising and watching Crank, I only got up a short while ago. My morning looks like this: I turn on my laptop by the front window, make breakfast while it finds a network, then open the "curtain" over the big front window and sit down to eat while checking email etc.

Normally, the street is filled with parked cars; this morning, only my pickup is out there. Even odder, no cars have yet driven past for more than an hour when normal traffic is a car every few minutes. Also, people usually jog by every, oh, 20 minutes or so. Kids smoking, etc. And of course the little fist-sized dinosaurs are normally yanking worms out of the soil and nabbing bugs, and the North American monkeys (aka "squirrels") are out there hopping from tree to tree.

So: Oddly quiet today. Where is everyone? Is today some kind of holiday? Even odder: Where are the little urban wildlife dudes?

EDIT: Looks like I wrote too soon. A guy just stumbled past. Looked a bit drunk and worse for wear, as if he'd lost a pretty rough fight.

Best,
Chris
stone monkey

weird update

Okay, this is getting weirder. Remember how I said that I saw a wounded guy stumble past? Well, soon after, another injured guy came tromping directly through my yard! Assuming these two got into it, I tried calling 911 to report it and hopefully keep them from killing each other and get an ambulance over here ASAP (the second guy looked really bad, like ear-falling-off bad. Yes, eww.)

Seems that the local 911 circuits are overloaded: I got a busy signal, not even a recorded message. When's the last time you heard a busy signal? So I turn on my radio (NPR lunch show), but it's just dead air.

Did I miss something?

EDIT: Update: 96.5 is still running as usual. Music and commercials suggest all is well. Anyone else have an answer to what's happening?

Best,
Chris
Gojira!

holy crap!

okay, lots of stuf has happened since my last post don't want to spend a lot of tiem typing so i'll be quick, leaving computer on, though, to try to figure out what's happening. glad the intarwebs are stiilsl worlking.

So I just lost one of my front windows. Call me paranoid, but i'm thinkking it's time to get my shotgun and load 'er up.

here's what happened: This woman stumbles into my yard(starting to sense a pattern?), but hthis one walks staright up to my window where i'm sitting and starts banging on the glass. I know what you're thinking: Drug party down the street, and she's the latest one to leave the party. You're also thinking she's the one who broke the window.

Well, sort of: She looked pretty beat up and here eyes were closed. She looked really sick, too, like herpes all over her face. Yes, eeew. But she was too weak to break the glass. Who broke it, you ask?

The fucking cops! Seirously! A cop car came blasting down the street, lights flashing and siren blaring, and the cop slams on his brakes, stops out front, and shoots her like 15 times in the back! Holy crap! She sort of falls against the glass and breakse it, then falls on teh ground outside.

Then - get this - he just leaves. That's right, shoots a chick a million times and then just drives off. With the window now open, I can hear all kinds of shooting all over town. STill no NPR radio.

edit: I'm back. Got the 12-gauage and loaded it up. The box of shells is on the table between the laptop and the mouse. Friends, I suggest you do the same. The world has taken a sideways turn.

Best,
Chris
kill everybody

update - HIDE EVERYONE! THEY'RE ZOMBIES!

Okay, I should have guessed.

Zombies.


Yes, they're zombies.

Yeah, yeah, you're thinking, "Chris has gone bye-bye. Zombies, right." But can you explain what's going on in a better way? Rembemer that woman that the cop shot outside my house? she got up again and tried to come in through the broken window! Seriously, i could see through her chest cavity, but no blood. She started reaching inside toward me, and i swear to god she said, "Brains."

Do you have a better explanation?

I tried pushing her out, but eeeew, her skin just fell off as I prodded her with the barrel of the shotgun. When she grabbed the barrel and yanked, the gun sort of went off, splattering her head all over the front yard. Her head was filled with dust, I swear, no gooey bits or blood.

Zombies.


So I"m nailing up plywood over the back doo
house

almost out of shells

Does it make me a bad person to say that I'm getting a little kick out of helping clear the neighborhood of the zombie infestation?

Okay, lots has happened since my last post. I shoved a bunch of shells into my pockets and went next door to check on Yo and Brett and Amy. B&A have left (all vehicles gone), but Yo was home and freaking out. She's a ham-radio afficianado, and apparently this is happening all across the country. (Lots of bloggers writing about it.) Anyway, lots of people are in denial, but it's clearly ZOMBIES!

Sorry for the abrupt end to my last post; I had to quick finish nailing up the plywood. Undead bastards were pounding on the sliding-glass doors out back. I don't want them trying to come in from both directions.

Anyhow, Yo met me at the door with her - get this - AR-15 with two 40-round banana clips duct-taped together for quick reload. She was wearing a motorcycle helmet and suggested I do the same: Clever! So we just spent the last half-hour making a circuit around the University Place neighborhood clearing out the zombie population. We must make quite a pair, attired in full-face motorcycle helmets, leather jackets, thick gloves, scarves, and so on - in the 85-degree Kansas summer heat. Don't want to become the enemy, if you know what I mean. They seem to move in packs now, some as numerous as ten all together. "Makes for a nice, tight grouping," Yo said as she popped off a dozen rounds and took them all out. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing with my shotgun: You have to open their skull to the air to put them down, and I don't want to get that close. But I've been acting as a spotter and occasionally letting off a round when a pack of zombies is too big for her to take all at once.

That cop from before? He slowed down near us and pointed his rifle. "What the hell do you two thing you're doing?" he asked. "Killing the undead," Yo answered. The cop nodded, apparently satisfied that we could speak, and sped off.

Gotta run - just got a call from Yo. A fellow ham-operator across 19th Street says a mob of nearly 100 zombies is headed our way. Shit.

Best,
Chris
mushroom cloud

damn.

The good news: Yo and I dispatched the mob of zombies, all 104 of them (we counted).

The bad news: Yo is out of ammo, as am I.

The worse news: We ran out before we'd taken them all down, which meant we ended the battle in hand-to-hand combat. I won't even attempt to describe how revolting that was, sawing off heads that stank like ancient sewers and slaughter-houses.

The worst news: I got bit on the finger. The damned creature bit right through my leather gauntlet and broke the skin on the middle finger of my left hand.

I sure hope that zombie-ism isn't contagious like in the movies....

:-(
Chris
evil-Tatsuko

from Tatsuko again

I don't know what to do. Dad smells funny now and all he says is, "Brains." (I understand English just fine - see, I can type it! - but my mouth can't make the words right.) At least he's not making that big sound with the gun any more.

I smell smoke from fires, too. I'm scared.